So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I supernannyed him into submission
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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