I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
