Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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