I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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