i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
