Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Everclear isn't food dammit
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
