i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
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