Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
worst night to have a conscience
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize
