my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Randomize
