Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
