Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
