As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
