Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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