I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Randomize
