There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Do vagina's smell?
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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