If i come over, it means nothing
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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