How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
