i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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