Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
