She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize