just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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