Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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