its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
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