Michael Bay diarrhea
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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