i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
