she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
