I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Randomize
