So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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