Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
