Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
