I can't breathe out the right side of my face
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
