I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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