After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
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