Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Randomize
