how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
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