I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize