it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
