I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
The feeling are messing with the penis
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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