Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
