3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
