May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
