I want you more than these girls want KFC
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
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