I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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