I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
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