dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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