wanna go halves on a baby?
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
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