This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Randomize
