There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Randomize
