i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
Don't EVER smell your tampon
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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