i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
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