What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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