I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Randomize
