11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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