ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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