I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Randomize
