:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
