i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
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