i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
