maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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