when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
