she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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