Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Randomize
