I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Randomize
