Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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