I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize