i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
